My son is approaching 10 years old. Is it safe to let him go call on his friends to go out and play, sans parents? If I let this happen, am I a bad, uncaring parent? Of course not! But the 'norm' these days seems to be to not let your children out of your sight until they are teenagers. I think this is incredibly sad. I think it creates a sense of fear in kids. That and a dependency upon their parents for everything, including looking left and right when crossing a road. How, I wonder, is that good for children?
I have wonderful memories of a fun, adventure-filled and carefree childhood, where on Saturday mornings, my Dad would be working downstairs in our pet shop on the Fulham Road in South West London - we lived in the flat above. Mum would be out at Northend Road markets getting the weekly shopping and my brother and I would be free to amuse ourselves all day. I often would have arranged with my best friend Vicky Brown, that we'd meet up at Hurlingham Park to play. I'd fix up a packed lunch, usually a marmite sandwich and a pack of sesame snaps, strap it to the back of my bike and peddle off for the 15 minutes ride across south west London to meet her. No helmet back then either. At the park we'd play happily all day long, mucking about and exploring in the places no one went. There was a massive stadium next to the park's car park, in the sports grounds and as it was closed up for much of the year, we would find a way to climb in and hang out under the seating, making a den or looking for evidence of sinister goings on, scaring ourselves silly! Some other days, we'd 'break in' to the prestigious Hurlingham Club nearby by climbing over the fence that backed onto the river Thames, right next to the flats Vicky lived in. It was a precarious job, swinging onto the trees on the other side of the fence, scrambling up the bank and then climbing over the inner perimeter fence into the Club's undergrowth and sneaking in without being spotted. Such fun! Other days, we'd play outside in the gardens of Vicky's flats and often in the extensive passageways that ran beneath the flats, where people locked up their bicycles and stored bulky items. We were convinced the passageways were haunted so there was lots of running, screaming and giggling going on! And sometimes we'd cycle round to our friend Catriona's and call for her. She lived in between our homes, near to Parsons Green so the three of us would cycle to the Green to play together.
I reckon Vicky and I were about 9-ish at the time. So long as I was home by 5pm, all was well and I'd sit with my family watching Morcambe & Wise on the telly, eating my Mum's ritualistic Saturday night chicken curry (still my favourite meal in the world today). They were happy days.
So that's the kind of freedom I want for my son. This weekend my partner and I decided this was a good time as his best friend was over to stay and they're both pretty level headed boys. They were itching to get out in the sunshine and so we let them call on a friend, with strict instructions that on coming home, they were to use the traffic lights to cross the big main road. All was well, they had fun and came home when we'd asked them to. The next day they wanted to go call on their friend again, which I thought a great idea, otherwise they'd be stuck with me at home while I did washing and cooking etc. I decided I should just call my son's friends mum just to let her know and check she was ok with it, realising I should have done this yesterday. She was not ok with it and nor was her husband. I confessed that we'd let him do it the day before and they were then keen to come and collect him from me. I felt terrible and their son was bemused as to why he wasn't allowed and of course, embarrassed too. The little park they'd wanted to go to play at required just one small, quiet back road to be crossed and was at most a 4 minute walk away. I am pleased to say, however, that my son's other friend, who the boys had called on before, is allowed to do the same and his mother's of the same frame of mind as me and thinks it's time her son made this step.
It's scary for a parent, but you have to help them to grow up, that's the job of a parent. We are here to look after our kids but that also includes the fundamental part about teaching them life skills and helping them learn how to become confident people in a tough world. They need to be made aware of the dangers and how to deal with them, not fearful and doubtful of their own abilities to cope in the world.
So parents, please think about taking your kids out and teaching them how to cross roads safely, encouraging them and building their confidence and self esteem. Give them some freedom to develop as children, to explore the world around them, to have adventures with their friends, to learn for themselves that if they fall over yes it hurts and then it gets better. I promise you they will grow into happy, confident individuals with plenty of self esteem. And wonderful memories of their childhood.
Sunday 26 August 2012
Thursday 17 May 2012
Re-defining Success
Here we go: 7 Steps to Finding Your Passion, 10 Ways to a Happier You, 101 Tips to Guarantee A Successful Life.... Hmmmmm.
I have just seen another of these annoying 'articles', popped up on my LinkedIn homepage, this one by Caroline Knight for Recruiter.com. "Steps to Finding Your Passion". All of it is frankly just simple common sense, and even more frankly, more than a tad patronising. If you weren't already aware of this stuff, you'd surely be slightly thick, IMHO.
There seems to be a constant barrage of advice on either finding your dream job, becoming the happiest person on the planet, finding a career you love, having the best sex ever or looking amazing and feeling fantastic. Because of course it's so easy isn't it? Just read this article, follow the steps/tips and woooshka! Glory, success, health, beauty, happiness, the lot, are all yours. Yup. Uh-huh. Er, well no actually.
God but I'm fed up with reading this mind numbing nonsense. I am ever hopeful of reading something enlightening, something worthwhile, something that actually makes a difference to my life. The promises, however, are always empty and I'm left deflated and frustrated, none the wiser than before I read the damned thing and a few minutes poorer in precious time.
I can't help wondering how the b'jeezus editors the world over continue allowing this drivel into their publications. Are there really droves of people out there buying magazines on the strength of silly promises adorning the front cover of glossies which say they'll 'unlock the secret to your potential'? All the 'How To..'s' that tell you nothing you didn't already know in life. Nothing. They should read 'Common Sense And Obvious Tips On How To [whatever] For Dimwits".
The reality check is this. We all know full well what we need to do in order to achieve greatness, peace, zen, whatever. And why don't we all do it? Why are we all not living the dream, in divine, harmonious joy? I'll tell you why. Because of the definition of success that most of us live by, that's why.
Most of us grow up with a general need to earn money to live. We finish school, get a job and begin the journey of survival. We rent, get a car, take holidays, then buy property, get married, have kids and you know what? In all this, we work in jobs that pay for all these things. If only we didn't have to get the kids to school, drive an hour to work, get home at 7pm and do homework, cook dinner and do the ironing, well then daily yoga and mediation to find inner peace would indeed be achievable. If taxes, school fees, the mortgage and bills didn't sap two thirds of our salaries, we could afford the risk of launching a new business selling home made jewellery, starting a funky village cafe, becoming a wedding photographer.
However..... stop press! How about if, instead of all this 'under-living' and 'if only's, we were to redefine our own definition of success? From early on, our expectations are set about what it means to be successful in life. Generally this is measured by money and possessions. All things material. But truth be told, the happiest people I've met through my life thus far, have less than most. If we could just review and re-set our aspirations to be based on values, senses and experiences rather than material things, suddenly, all these impossibilities may actually become accessible. Think about it. If we can live more simply, life becomes more simple. Striving to reach ever greater heights in career, popularity, earnings, a better home, faster car, a six pack, whatever, they're a bit of a hiding to nothing in the grand scheme of things. There's no pot of gold at the end of those rainbows. Wouldn't it be more fulfilling to strive for things that mean something to us and those we love?
Take the Waltons - how happy were they and they had bugger all. No sexy Audi A5 in the driveway, no XBox Kinect in their 'teen retreat' and definitely no original Philip Stark Ghost Chairs to be seen at that lovely old kitchen table they all lived around. No, they were all about love, family and values.
Ok, I admit that's a bit of a dodgy analogy, but you get the picture.
An example that's more real to me is of a young man I met in India some years back called Ravi Kavia who made and sold jewellery from his tiny makeshift 'shop' in Jaipur. He was a happy, friendly soul and introduced my travelling companion and I to his friends. They invited us to a 'party', to eat with them one day. It was an extraordinary experience I'll never forget. I was 21 at the time and we had no money to speak of so they had no hidden agenda to get anything from us, we just got on well. They invited us to one of their homes and produced lots of delicious food for us and then we sat in a circle on the floor and ate with them, from plates they'd made from banana leaves laced together with toothpics. They lived in shabby one-room homes with their families and had barely any possessions, but were always smiling. So long as they earned a living, they were happy living life as it was for them. We chatted about what they wanted to do (they were all in their early 20's) and it was all about getting married, having children, maybe having their own 'shops' like Ravi and of course, going to the cinema was a biggie to them. These were people living living simple lives and happily so.
I am surrounded by people living unfulfilled lives, complaining of stress, sleep problems, loathsome jobs, not seeing enough of their children, money worries and the like, and yet they keep going in the pursuit of 'things'. And most are self-medicating with wine, Valium or Prozac to make themselves feel better about their unfulfilled lives. Unless you stand back and look at your life and what you actually really want from it, I mean really want, with real honesty and truth to yourself, unless you can look yourself in the eyes (mirror required for this bit) and see what the things are in life that will give you happiness and your life real meaning, then you will stay in that cycle of wanting and under-living.
So rather than keep looking for some golden nugget of insight as to how I can achieve true success in life with better planning, more sleep, a course in something or a few years networking my arse off, I think perhaps I shall re-evaluate what I actually want to achieve by the time I die. I think I may look for a new definition for success in my life. I also think it may take some time, but if I really do want a simpler life (and I really do!) then I'll do it.
I have just seen another of these annoying 'articles', popped up on my LinkedIn homepage, this one by Caroline Knight for Recruiter.com. "Steps to Finding Your Passion". All of it is frankly just simple common sense, and even more frankly, more than a tad patronising. If you weren't already aware of this stuff, you'd surely be slightly thick, IMHO.
There seems to be a constant barrage of advice on either finding your dream job, becoming the happiest person on the planet, finding a career you love, having the best sex ever or looking amazing and feeling fantastic. Because of course it's so easy isn't it? Just read this article, follow the steps/tips and woooshka! Glory, success, health, beauty, happiness, the lot, are all yours. Yup. Uh-huh. Er, well no actually.
God but I'm fed up with reading this mind numbing nonsense. I am ever hopeful of reading something enlightening, something worthwhile, something that actually makes a difference to my life. The promises, however, are always empty and I'm left deflated and frustrated, none the wiser than before I read the damned thing and a few minutes poorer in precious time.
I can't help wondering how the b'jeezus editors the world over continue allowing this drivel into their publications. Are there really droves of people out there buying magazines on the strength of silly promises adorning the front cover of glossies which say they'll 'unlock the secret to your potential'? All the 'How To..'s' that tell you nothing you didn't already know in life. Nothing. They should read 'Common Sense And Obvious Tips On How To [whatever] For Dimwits".
The reality check is this. We all know full well what we need to do in order to achieve greatness, peace, zen, whatever. And why don't we all do it? Why are we all not living the dream, in divine, harmonious joy? I'll tell you why. Because of the definition of success that most of us live by, that's why.
Most of us grow up with a general need to earn money to live. We finish school, get a job and begin the journey of survival. We rent, get a car, take holidays, then buy property, get married, have kids and you know what? In all this, we work in jobs that pay for all these things. If only we didn't have to get the kids to school, drive an hour to work, get home at 7pm and do homework, cook dinner and do the ironing, well then daily yoga and mediation to find inner peace would indeed be achievable. If taxes, school fees, the mortgage and bills didn't sap two thirds of our salaries, we could afford the risk of launching a new business selling home made jewellery, starting a funky village cafe, becoming a wedding photographer.
However..... stop press! How about if, instead of all this 'under-living' and 'if only's, we were to redefine our own definition of success? From early on, our expectations are set about what it means to be successful in life. Generally this is measured by money and possessions. All things material. But truth be told, the happiest people I've met through my life thus far, have less than most. If we could just review and re-set our aspirations to be based on values, senses and experiences rather than material things, suddenly, all these impossibilities may actually become accessible. Think about it. If we can live more simply, life becomes more simple. Striving to reach ever greater heights in career, popularity, earnings, a better home, faster car, a six pack, whatever, they're a bit of a hiding to nothing in the grand scheme of things. There's no pot of gold at the end of those rainbows. Wouldn't it be more fulfilling to strive for things that mean something to us and those we love?
Take the Waltons - how happy were they and they had bugger all. No sexy Audi A5 in the driveway, no XBox Kinect in their 'teen retreat' and definitely no original Philip Stark Ghost Chairs to be seen at that lovely old kitchen table they all lived around. No, they were all about love, family and values.
Ok, I admit that's a bit of a dodgy analogy, but you get the picture.
An example that's more real to me is of a young man I met in India some years back called Ravi Kavia who made and sold jewellery from his tiny makeshift 'shop' in Jaipur. He was a happy, friendly soul and introduced my travelling companion and I to his friends. They invited us to a 'party', to eat with them one day. It was an extraordinary experience I'll never forget. I was 21 at the time and we had no money to speak of so they had no hidden agenda to get anything from us, we just got on well. They invited us to one of their homes and produced lots of delicious food for us and then we sat in a circle on the floor and ate with them, from plates they'd made from banana leaves laced together with toothpics. They lived in shabby one-room homes with their families and had barely any possessions, but were always smiling. So long as they earned a living, they were happy living life as it was for them. We chatted about what they wanted to do (they were all in their early 20's) and it was all about getting married, having children, maybe having their own 'shops' like Ravi and of course, going to the cinema was a biggie to them. These were people living living simple lives and happily so.
I am surrounded by people living unfulfilled lives, complaining of stress, sleep problems, loathsome jobs, not seeing enough of their children, money worries and the like, and yet they keep going in the pursuit of 'things'. And most are self-medicating with wine, Valium or Prozac to make themselves feel better about their unfulfilled lives. Unless you stand back and look at your life and what you actually really want from it, I mean really want, with real honesty and truth to yourself, unless you can look yourself in the eyes (mirror required for this bit) and see what the things are in life that will give you happiness and your life real meaning, then you will stay in that cycle of wanting and under-living.
So rather than keep looking for some golden nugget of insight as to how I can achieve true success in life with better planning, more sleep, a course in something or a few years networking my arse off, I think perhaps I shall re-evaluate what I actually want to achieve by the time I die. I think I may look for a new definition for success in my life. I also think it may take some time, but if I really do want a simpler life (and I really do!) then I'll do it.
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